lacrosse 101

I've been playing lacrosse in an adult indoor league here in Denver. It's been going pretty well, and it's been great fun regardless of the score, but lately my team has been repeating a lot of embarrassing mistakes. Mistakes that are bad - mistakes that will kill us, make us lose games. Mistakes that really shouldn't be made in the post-high school post-collegiate post-uncoordinated league that we're in. So I thought I'd throw up a quick review, a primer, if you will, with some of the questions I've been asked or have been implicated as needing to be asked by my teammates lately.

Q.) How important are the skills of throwing and catching?
A.) Very important. Without these basic skills, your just another idiot with a stick. You should practice throwing and catching regularly. Other important skills include running, breathing, thinking, and seeing. Please do not come back until you can rate yourself as "proficient" in 4 or more of these.

Q.) I have some ideas on how we can improve our play. May I voice them to the team?
A.) If you haven't played for more than a year, haven't scored a single goal, missed the last two games, or dropped more than three passes, you should probably just shut up and listen.

Q.) Let's say we're playing defense. I'm covering a strong player who looks like he's trying to drive to the net. Is this an appropriate time to substitute off the field?
A.) No.

Q.) I know I'm not very good at lacrosse, and I'm not really interested in getting better. What can I do to be a productive member of this team despite my lack of skill and motivation?
A.) For starters, you can stop showing up for games. After that, try playing in traffic.

Q.) I've been thinking of getting a tattoo. If it's lacrosse related, will the ink soak into my blood, enhance my muscles and coordination, and give me whatever it is I'm missing as a lacrosse player?
A.) Not likely. What you're missing is most likely interest, skill, or the basic capacity to ever be good at anything. It will take at least 3 tattoos to correct and one of these deficits.

Q.) If I score on our goalie, will it count as a point for us?
A.) On some Indian reservations and more desolate parts of Canada, domesticated goalies are hard to come by, and so both teams frequently play against a single goal. We have two goalies, so the answer is no, but it's a good question - I'm sure many others were wondering the same thing but lacked the courage to ask.

I hope this helps. If you have any other questions, please don't hesitate to ask. Remember: there's no such thing as a stupid question -- only people can be stupid.

Hey-o!