Bad Customer Support

Last night I ordered a new and amazing laptop from Dell to use for some upcoming web projects. I found an awesome coupon online to get $750 off of a $1900+ system, a huge discount, so I was excited to use it. I designed the system I wanted online but when I tried to attach the coupon it didn't work. I was saved by a Dell service rep who I spoke with on the phone who found some slick backdoor way of adding the coupon and processed my order by submitting it online for me, using my user name and password. I got the confirmation email this morning, and everything's perfect except that the guy ordered me the wrong video card.

I tried calling the guy's office at the number he gave me, but no one's answering. So I left a message. About half an hour later, a woman from India called me back.

Indian woman: Ah yes hello very good did you order a dell computer I am calling to confirm your order to dell thank you for ordering
Me: Yes? Hello?
Indian woman: Yes very good can I please have your name and telephone number along with your zip code please?
Me: (give her the information)
Indian woman: Yes thank you for shopping with Dell very good thank you I see here that you have ordered a laptop computer thank you very good?
Me: Yes, I have, but I have a problem with the order. I placed the order with a sales representative last night, but he got it wrong.
Indian woman: Yes I see very good I see here that you have placed the order online?
Me: No, I did it on the phone, and the guy used my password, and got it wrong.
Indian woman: Yes very good I see please call a long phone number which I will make sound nothing like the real number it is using as thick of an accent very good as I can, and which very good may or may not thank you be the exact same Dell customer support number you called half an hour ago to get a hold of me. Thank you for choosing dell. -click-

So, I call her number, and it is indeed the exact same number I called before. This time I'm connected with a girl named Rose, and I'm given hope, thinking that perhaps Rose will be an American, and know what I'm talking about.

Rose: Hello, thank you for choosing Dell, how can I help you today?
Me: Hi Rose. I have a problem with a laptop order. I placed the order over the phone, and the sales guy submitted it for me online using my account and got the order wrong. I called the number he gave me if I had problems, left a message, and was called back by an Indian woman who had no idea what I was talking about.
Rose: Um, ok, can I have your name?
Me: (give my name)
Rose: Can I have your address?
Me: (give my address)
Rose: Can I have your order number?
Me: (give my order number)
Rose: Can I have your zip code, phone number, shoe size, and blood type please?

At this point I realized that Rose had a slight accent to. It took me a few more inane questions to identify it, but then I did: she was without a doubt French.

Rose: So, you're telling me you placed the order online. Oui?
Me: No, I placed it over the phone.
Rose: It says here it was placed online. En garde!
Me: The sales guy did that. I was talking to him on the phone.
Rose: So, you did it by yourself online, mon ami?

Speaking with Rose was almost more frustrating than the Indian woman, because while she was just as inept, her command of the English language gave the appearance of understanding and made miscommunication all the more frustrating. In short, it was easier to understand just how stupid she was, where the Indian woman could hide it beneath a thick steam of "Verygoodyesthankyouforchoosingdellyesverygood." Rose finally transferred me to the "order modification department", where I figured I might finally get some where speaking with someone who made sense.

Someone: Hello yes and thank you for choosing dell. My name is Amir and I'm happy to help you today.
Me: Hi Amir. Thanks. I need to make a change to my order.
Amir: -silence-
Amir: Ok, I can help you with that. Please give me all of the information you've given to both Rose and the inane Indian Woman already, along with your preferred brand of toothpaste.
Me: (give all of the information)
Amir: -silence-
Me: I placed this order with a sales associate, and he didn't actually order what I asked for.
Amir: -silence-
Me: I want the 64 mb video card, not the 32.
Amir: -silence-
Me: and I found a great coupon, and I don't want to lose it by changing the order myself online.
Amir: -silence-
Me: Do you understand? Does that make sense? Are you still there?
Amir: So, you placed this order online?
Me: No, I placed it over the phone, to a sales associate who did it online.
Amir: It says here you placed it online.
Me: Does it matter?
Amir: -silence-
Me: Look, Amir. You're obviously about as smart as a stick, and you've got the communication skills of a cardboard box. Why don't I just try calling someone else later?
Amir: That would be good. I don't understand. It says here you placed the order online. -silence-
Me: Goodbye.

Now I'm trying the online chat help, and I've been waiting for 20+ minutes for a sales rep to even come into the chat. So much for Dell's "award winning customer service".

Welcome to Dell Chat. Please wait for an available agent. You will be notified when your chat is accepted by an agent.
{Customer 2:17:40 PM} I need to change an order and your phone service people are incompetent - can you help me?
-silence-

The moral of this story is, if you're going to offer support to customers who speak English, you need to hire English speaking sales associates. And never hire anyone who cannot out-think an average walnut, which excludes everyone from Dell I've spoken to today.