Advice on Poker

The monogamy thread is still going in it's third and probably final form in the post below.

If you haven't read the latest dispatch from Michael Yon, do so. It sounds like the men he's been running with will be heading home quite soon, and it's much shorter than his usual posts, but he never fails to inspire me. Whatever you might think about our reasons for getting involved in Iraq (and I'll agree they're sketchy), the soldiers are amazing men. I'm going to buy a beer for any marine I ever see in uniform for the rest of my life, and it I ever meet LTC Kurilla, I'll buy him a pint a night for the rest of his life.

On a different subject, I thought it would be good to give some advice on playing poker. I've noticed a lot of new players making the same mistakes over and over, so I wanted to impart my wisdom. Here's my top 10 list of things to do if you're new to poker:

10.) Buy in for twice the standard buy in. This always looks intimidating, and it makes you big stacked from the get go. Seasoned players always respect someone who's got a lot of chips.

9.) Always pay to see the flop. Some people say that 7-2 offsuit is the worst hand in poker, but what do they know? There's no reason the flop can't come down 7-7-2, right? Right! Even if it's 5 big-blinds to go, you should stay in, because you just never know what's going to come up!

8.) Never, ever, ever show your cards. Only weaklings and weanies do this.

7.) Wear funny glasses. It throws people off if they can't see your eyes, and makes you look more like a professional.

6.) Talk the talk. Learn as much poker terminology as you possibly can, and make use of it frequently. If someone calls more than 1 bet in an hour, call them a "calling station." Refer to pocket aces as "pocket rockets", kings as "cowboys", queens as "the ladies", and the best hand possible as "the nuts." Use each of these terms as often as possible. If some guy busts your pocket aces with three queens, you could earn the respect of everyone in earshot by delivering a jargon-laden verbal replay, like this:

"I thought I had nuts on the flop with my rockets, and I put you on cowboys all the way to the river. I knew you were a calling station, so I said to myself, 'this calling station has cowboys, so I'm going to play my rockets against his cowboys and hope I can keep the nuts against the cowboys with my rockets.' Then the third lady on fourth street made your trips, but I still had you on cowboys, thinking I had the nuts, so I went all in, because you're a calling station. Then you busted my nuts with your nuts, which were in fact trip ladies."

If your opponent smiles and says nothing in reply as he rakes in your stack, it's because your play-by-play said it all, he respects you, and he admires your admirable dominance of the poker-dialect.

5.) Talk about poker at work, using as much of the above dialogue as possible. Confusing your co-workers will earn you a reputation as a savvy poker man, which will get you invited to lots of games and help you meet hot chicks.

4.) Watch poker. Spend your free time watching as much televised poker as you possibly can, and then relate these matches to your opponents during the game.

3.) Buy all of the World Poker Tour apparel you can find. Nothing says "I'm awesome!" like a WPT hockey jersey.

2.) Carry cards with you every where and offer to play at any time. If you and a buddy disagree on where to go to lunch during the work week, whip out your deck offer to play him for it using paper clips as chips.

1.) Never, ever, ever fold. If you bet big and people call you, it just means they're bluffing, and you never know what might come up! 8-4 is a hand to be respected - play it to the end!! It's like Kenny Rogers said - "you gotta know when to hold 'em" - which is to say, all of the time.

So there you have it - great poker advice, free of charge. Start adding these 10 simple skills to your regular game, and I guarantee you'll always be invited back to play again. If you want more advice, come play with me and my friends. We play on Sundays, usually from around 9 until midnight.