The 8 Planet Solar System and Dell

It's official, if you haven't heard yet - Pluto's out, relegated to the sub-planet class "dwarf planet" along with two other hunks of ice and rock (Ceres and "Xena", the warrior drawf planet-princess.)

The official planeteers have spoken, and the new definition for planet is officially "a celestial body that (a) is in orbit around the Sun, (b) has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a hydrostatic equilibrium (nearly round) shape, and (c) has cleared the neighborhood around its orbit."

Disney has said this announcement will not in any way change it's depiction of popular cartoon character Pluto, though NEA spokesman Mark Suckerface was overheard morning saying it intends to request 2 million dollars of additional funding to properly research a replacement for the common mnemonic device "My very educated mother just showed us nine pizzas" with an appropriate 8 word update reflecting the removal of Pluto. "It just doesn't make sense anymore", said Suckerface. "Educated Mothers don't show their children nine pizzas anyway - obesity is a serious problem in today's schools." Current contending slogans are "My very enraged mercenary just shot up Ned" and "My very embarrassed mother just showed us nothing."

Pluto itself was quoted this morning as feeling slightly discouraged at having lost it's status as a real planet, but that it will apply this afternoon to change it's official name to "Pluto Rodriguez" in hopes of gaining legal status as a Hispanic American, which has some of the same benefits as being a planet, including lower admission standards to Ivy League colleges and free admission to theme parks on Benito Juarez day.

In other news, forget mixing chemicals in gatorade bottles - terrorists can just get a dell, dude. Pictures and stories have been circling the internet for months about Dell laptops and their famously exploding batteries, forcing Dell to sponsor a "too little too late" style recall on the batteries, because, you know, they really care about their customers, and all that. Apparently Australian airline Qantas was two steps ahead of Al-Qaida on this one and started requiring passengers to remove the batteries during flight, though this policy was recently lifted. Still no word on whether Dell will recall it's millions of dangerous third-word call centers, which contribute to the frustration and death, or maybe just frustration, of hundreds of Americans daily.